From the Bisbee Daily Review, January 25, 1913. By Roy K. Moulton. Old Ez Jones don’t chaw tobacker, for he quit on New year’s day, And he’s grouchy as a grizzly with an achin’ tooth, they say. Henry Perkins, he quit smokin’ and he feels so tarnal mean That he’s tried to start a scrap with every feller he has seen. So old Ez and Hank they chanced to meet one day in Tibbitt’s store, And we saw a scrap the like of which we’d never seen before, For they broke up all the furniture and knocked the stovepipes down And they’ve both been laid up ever since and livin’ on the town. Abner Hanks has quit hard cider and he is so all fired cross That his wife has thrashed him seven times to show him who is boss. Amos Higgins cut out swearin’ and gives his feelings vent He has booted all the cats and dogs wherever he has went. Deacon Stubbs has sued Hi Maskins and Hi has sued the Deac On their old time line fence squabble and their families don’t speak. Both have swore off takin’ snuff and both are out for war, But they neither of ‘em seem to know just what they’re lawin’ for. Old Squire Hibbard has been busy tryin’ suits and fixin’ bail, And there’s sixteen cases waiting and there’s twenty men in jail. Never seen such scand-lus doin’s in this little village, quite. Seems like everybody’s peevish and is looking for a fight. Some is nervous, some is gloomy, some is desperit and so It doesn’t seem like the same old town we allus used to know. But I guess she will get righted and congenial when the men Who have all been swearin’ off start in to swearin’ on again.
Author: desperaudio
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The Result
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The Shoe Clerk
From The Tacoma Times, January 24, 1913. By Berton Braley. Each time I go to buy my shoes, I say, “Now THIS time I will choose A last to fit my dainty foot And simply seek Myself to suit. I will not let the subtle clerk With siren voice and oily smirk Persuade me that I ought to fall For shoes too pointed and too small.” But when I enter in the store It goes exactly as of yore; The clerk convinces me that I Have no idea what to buy, And by some magic makes me see That what he wants to sell to me— A pair of shoes too short and tight— Is really just exactly right. He makes me think a narrow toe Is really very broad, and so I buy HIS choice—and not the pair Which common sense would bid me wear. Result—my corns their aches renew, I have a painful week or two; But when that pair wears out—ah, then, I’ll do the same fool thing again!
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The Homely Man
From the Bisbee Daily Review, January 23, 1913. By Roy K. Moulton. The homeliest man I ever seen was Ebenezer Brown. He was a sort of a laughing stock for folks here in our town. The jokers all told Eben that his face would stop a clock. If he looked at a pan of milk, it turned sour from the shock. The gals all turned poor Eben down. They didn’t like his style. The pretty fellers had him beat by many a long mile. So Eb got mad and went away and stayed for quite a while, And managed to accumulate a neat and nifty pile. The pretty fellers stayed around and flirted with the girls And took ‘em to the huskin’s and the other social whirls. Not one of ‘em was doin’ much but livin’ with their folks, And settin’ in the grocery store and crackin’ funny jokes. One day Eb came back to town up on a private car. He had a diamond shirt stud that would twinkle like a star. He didn’t care for money and he blowed it right and left. He had a bank roll that a feller couldn’t hardly heft. He set the old folks up for life and told in modest style About the way he’d gone away and gathered in his pile. Eb was just as homely as he ever was before, Perhaps a little more so than he was in days of yore. But still it dawned upon the pretty fellers mighty quick That Eb would simply go among the girls and take his pick. He took a good long time to choose did Ebenezer Brown, And then he wed the prettiest gal in all the gol ding town.
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Out of the Race [with Biden substituted for Wilson]
From the Omaha Daily Bee, January 22, 1913. By S. E. Kiser. Each morning I am wakened by a smiling little tot, And while I do my best all day he fills my gladdest thought. I plan for him and strive for him and have no time to fret About the way that Biden may construct his cabinet. Because of him my task is light and gladly all day long Above the roar of traffic, I can hear his baby song. And when I’ve hurried home at night he meets me on the stairs To cause me to forget about the world and its affairs. Obedient to his eager pleas, nor craving what I lack I gallop on my hands and knees, while he bestrides my back. And, while he rides through Babyland and bravely shouts his glee No thought of public office comes to haunt or trouble me. At last, before I seek my couch, I stand and gladly gaze Down at the smile that, while he sleeps, around his features plays. I plan for him and dream for him, and have no time to fret Because I shall not get a seat in Biden’s cabinet.
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Reuben Buys a Farm
From the Omaha Daily Bee, January 21, 1913. By Minna Irving. The day was bright and sunny, And business going well. But Reuben in his office A prey to dreaming fell. He thought of woods and meadows With all their sylvan charm. “Good bye, old town,” he murmured, “For Reuben buys a farm.” He found a roomy dwelling With roses round the door. A covered well behind it, A picket fence before. And ancient apple-orchards Where sang, secure from harm, An orchestra of robins, So Reuben bought the farm. But getting up so early To milk by lantern-light, And feed the pigs and chickens, Was not unmixed delight. A pain was in his shoulder, A cramp was in his arm, And life was full of trouble For Reuben on the farm. He loved his growing garden And pleasant pasture lands; But not his aching muscles And badly blistered hands. The household gathered round him And viewed him with alarm. “We all,” they said, “should hustle When Reuben buys a farm.” Now Paul attends the horses, The cows are Mary’s care, The pigs and geese and chickens Jeannette’s attention share. And George in ducks discovers A never-failing charm. So everybody’s happy While Reuben runs the farm.
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Walk Cleaned
From the Perth Amboy Evening News, January 20, 1913. By Bosco. He held her hand, the hour was late, ‘Twas time for him to go. It was a wintry night outside And it began to snow. Still he stayed on, his ardent love With burning words to tell. The storm increased, the whirling snow Faster and faster fell. He still remained and eloquent, He praised his Heart’s Delight. The snowdrifts ever deeper grew, The town was buried quite. At last her father called: “Young man, You seem to like to talk! But you can stay to breakfast if You’ll shovel off the walk!”
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Prolonged Agitation
From the Evening Star, January 19, 1913. By Philander Johnson. We’re livin’ calm and peaceful down to Pohick on the Crick. We remember last November when the talk was flyin’ thick, But we’ve settled down to duty and a proper share of rest, With every one a-hopin’ an’ a-doin’ of his best. There ain’t no apprehension ‘bout what’s goin’ to be done In conferrin’ new distinctions over there in Washington. We wrote our ballots plainly, as becomes men brave an’ free; Since the vote has gone on record, we jes’ say, “Let bygones be.” There’s a heap of agitation—we kin hear it from afar, Even though our own existence moves along without a jar. There are big committee meetin’s. Speeches fill the air again. They are sometimes most as thrillin’ as they were in the campaign. There are new ideas started with determination bold, An’ there’s eager agitation in defendin’ of the old. But we have our own ideas an’, I guess, to them we’ll stick, Heaven be thanked! Election’s over here at Pohick on the Crick!
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Dawn of Peace
From The Birmingham Age-Herald, January 18, 1913. By John Ruskin. Put off, put off your mail, O kings, And beat your brands to dust, Your hands must learn a surer grasp, Your hearts a better trust. Oh, bend aback the lance’s point, And break the helmet bar; A noise is in the morning wind, But not the note of war. Upon the grassy mountain paths, The glittering hosts increase; They come, they come! How fair their feet— They come who publish peace. And victory, fair victory, Our enemies are ours; For all the clouds are clasped in light And all the earth with flowers. Ay, still depressed and dim with dew, But wait a little while; And with the radiant deathless rose The wilderness shall smile. And every dainty tender thing Shall feed by streams of rest; No lamb shall from the flock be lost, Nor nursling from the nest.
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The Song of the Camp
From The Detroit Times, January 17, 1913. By Bayard Taylor. “Give us a song!” The soldiers cried, The outer trenches guarding, When the heated guns of the camps allied Grew weary of bombarding. The dark redan, in silent scoff, Lay, grim and threatening, under; And the tawny mound of the Malakoff No longer belched its thunder. There was a pause. A guardsman said, “We storm the forts tomorrow; Sing while we may, another day Will bring enough of sorrow.” They lay along the battery’s side, Below the smoking cannon; Brave hearts, from Severn and from Clyde, And from the banks of Shannon. They sang of love and not of fame; Forgot was Britain’s glory; Each heart recalled a different name, But all sang “Annie Laurie.” Voice after voice caught up the song, Until its tender passion Rose like an anthem, rich and strong— Their battle-eve confession. Dear girl, her name he dared not speak, But as the song grew louder, Something upon the soldier’s cheek Washed off the stains of powder. Beyond the darkening ocean burned The bloody sunset’s embers, While the Crimean valleys learned How English love remembers. And once again a fire of hell Rained on the Russian quarters, With scream of shot, and burst of shell, And bellowing of the mortars! And Irish Nora’s eyes are dim For a singer dumb and gory; And English Mary mourns for him Who sang of “Annie Laurie.” Sleep soldiers! Still in honored rest Your truth and valor wearing; The bravest are the tenderest— The loving are the daring.
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Sweet Relationship
From the Rock Island Argus, January 16, 1913. By S. E. Kiser. A lovely girl whom I could name, but who shall not be here betrayed, Remained within a nook with me one evening when the harpist played; Perhaps it was the pleasing air, emerging from the tuneful strings That caused me while we lingered there to speak to her of love and things. I slipped my arm around her waist and felt her soft cheek close to mine; I think she sweetly yielded thus because the music was divine; I whispered in her dainty ear things she no doubt had heard before, But she was glad, it seemed, to hear and listened patiently for more. We lingered there, not caring what the others, missing us, might say; We stood within a shaded niche and listened to the harpist play. Alas! The sequel I’d suppress if I might do as I’d prefer; But while our lips were joined I guess I got some active germs from her. I’ve been flat on my back a week, but one thought comes to make me glad; Within my being I possess germs that the lovely maid once had— Germs that were part of her, in fact, therefore it seems that we somehow Must bear relationship we lacked, and may be cousins germ-an now.